My mind is making my body sick. That is not a new concept. I really know very little about this but I have been experiencing it all my life.
I just had a memory flash in my mind of the day my little puppy Tippy was killed by a car in front of our house. I’m not sure how old I was but it had to be before age 10 based on the house we lived in at the time. I’m guessing 7 or 8. I remember the trauma (not sure if I witnessed the incident or just heard about it), I vaguely remember seeing Tippy dying or dead…but even that could be inaccurate. The part I’m certain about is very shortly after the incident I found myself at a neighbor’s house experiencing the physical side effects of pain in my heart. The other kids were laughing and playing. I remember quietly observing, not feeling connected to what was going on. Sitting in the chair my legs began to shake uncontrollably. If I concentrated I could stop them for a moment but I was not ‘choosing’ to move them. I was numb emotionally, clearly sad (is that a contradiction?). I’m not sure how long that state lasted. I’m curious to talk with my mother about how she remembers that day. I don’t know if she suggested I go ‘play’ with the other kids or if it was my idea. I don’t think I wanted to be there. I wonder if it would have been better to stay in my room and cry all day. Or maybe it was good that I was out with others, pushing through the day. Sounds like the same choice I must make every day now.
Here I am 40 years later and I find my body reacting to the every day traumas of living. Lately the pleasures and joys are fleeting and less real than the pain and sorrows. As I say that I immediately think ‘that is ridiculous’. I have an incredibly blessed life. There are enough comforts, pleasures, freedoms and opportunities in my life to make most people happy. What is my problem?!
Maybe I’m a spoiled brat who is always looking for the next toy or thrilling experience. Maybe it’s my bodies fault. It’s a chemical imbalance I was born with, I’m sure I can find a drug that will stop my physical brain from working against my mind.
Well, the thoughts I pulled together in the shower are now racing to the to do list instead of self reflection so I must revisit this post later. Time to dry my hair so I can go get my hormones checked. I’m sure this transition into an old lady is part of the battle between my body and mind. Off I go…