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Tumblr Post from June 8th, 2012

Japan: Writer’s Block

I’m at a major turning point in life and I haven’t been writing about it much. I thought I would. The months preceding this big decision to move from California to Japan, I thought I would journal, blog and post lost of words expressing my emotions, telling the story and documenting the journey so I could remember. Like I did when I went on my artist retreat in France. I blogged every night. I’m wondering what is different this time.

For a while I felt like I couldn’t openly talk about what ‘might be’. Once the plan was official I found myself needing to preserve some privacy about specifics so I wrote nothing. Once we were on our house hunting trip we started posting photos on facebook with short captions and my husband started some new albums on one of his sights but I couldn’t seem to write many words. Not even in my private journal, which I took all the way to Japan and brought back after more than a week without one fresh paragraph.

I have a lot of excuses like internet or electronic tablet difficulties(no laptop on the trip), jet lag, travel digestive problems, stress, exhaustion, etc. but I know from experience that writing can actually help with some of those things, I just refused to write. I think the biggest reason was just feeling overwhelmed. My mind and heart was flooded with new visions, experiences, feelings,…so many all at once I couldn’t calm myself to choose only a few thoughts to start with. Every time I would think of something I wanted to write down my mind jumped to 10 other thoughts.

Another possibility is fear. I’m afraid if I start writing I might tell the truth. I might write down all the thoughts not just the positive ones. Then I’ll read it and have to face the sad parts and feel them more deeply. Or maybe I’m afraid of how whiny I will sound. As I was talking with a friend about the mixture of blessing and struggle I realized this is a popular theme in my life. So often the blessings seem so generous that I feel guilty about feeling any loss or sorrow. I go back and forth with accepting that there will be fun exciting aspects and really hard elements. Both are true, both will be felt.

I made a decision a long time ago that being fully alive means moving through this fear toward desired goals. And partly because the pain and loss of life is unavoidable anyway. Using all my effort to stay where life seems safe and controlled is an illusion so I might as well go for it. So we are going for it.

The apartment was chosen, the basic rental furniture picked out and now I’m starting the process of looking at every possession we have accumulated in 30 years of marriage (and some we brought with us into this union) and deciding what will be taken to Japan, put in storage, given to family/friends, sold in a garage sale or taken to charity.

I woke at 4 AM this morning, possibly a little jet lagged but most likely anxious about the decisions that have to be made. Oh, and of course there is much more to the story than this…but I have writer’s block.

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